LOST IN THE 'BLUE'

I am diving into the depths of an ocean, to fetch a pearl. The idea to seek this life's elixir is so tantalizing that at times I am oblivious if it is a real necessity or a mere quest for luxury. Driven by the fellow divers, I dive in, not thinking once about the outcome. As I  go deeper, I am baffled by the astonishing silence.I am lost, suffocating in the pitch black darkness that surrounds me. The other divers have disappeared, they seem to have found their way through, I neither have a way in, nor a way out. For what was a seemingly obvious dive from the surface, turned into a horrific reality.This state of sulk conceives a sense of sudden disbelief , as if I am all too incompetent for this. I am left puzzled with two options. Give up my long awaited aspiration or be completely ignorant about the inhibitions and give it one final shot. Confused and bewildered I do nothing but cling on to the desires within and stealthily wait for a glimmer to power me through. I need a bit of hope and more of audacity, hoping that one day the fear inside would finally succumb under this immense desire to redeem the lost serenity. A desire to stay motivated and live carefree.

A VIVID DESIRE

Why do people take such a pain to fall in love? Is this relentless pursuit worth of all the time and money or is it a mere manifestation of human nature to value things those are hard to attain or is it a compulsive attempt to fill the void inside that has stayed vacant from an early age.Whatever it is, I call it addiction. A disease that bites like a snake and spreads like a poison.
                                                                             I can sense the same subtle yet substantial change in myself. For it has become a habit now, to come back after work, place a chair in the balcony and disappear in the sparkling lights of the concrete forest that surrounds me. I talk to myself for hours ,listen to music so religiously that even a small pause in between would spoil the show.I love to play it hard and loud, it helps me ease the pain.I keep the lights off , because lights and tears don't really fit well together. With every moment the scale of contemplation goes deeper and deeper. The surrounding shadow engulf me, bit by bit, and leaves me in a slur. I wonder if I am trying to squeeze too much out of my life,much than it has to offer, or if I am merely standing for my right . The right that is the most  fundamental of all, the right to love and to be loved.

AN INGLORIOUS DEFEAT

There are certain moments in life which we would like to shift delete from our past and flush out of our memories. I was struck with one such nightmare that day. When dreams were punctured and belief was fiddled with.  My seniors found a capable goalkeeper in me and being picked for the sports-fest came as a pleasant surprise. I did a fairly decent job to prove my worth. Our team cruised into the finals and then began the long 50 mins, moments that would keep me haunting for the rest of my life. An overleap that had bitter consequences, the one which I wish I could obviate.
                                                        The match flitted into it's 45th minute when an insidious shoot from the left flange popped in. I jostled for the ball with my own defender and under utter confusion it went past to a player who was in a lurk to convert such a sitter. Our hearts broken and a vibe of dismal loomed on our faces. We were doomed and down by 2 goals to 1 when the final whistle marked an end to an year long coveted fascination. I had no audacity to face my team-mates. Boiling spirits and amplified hopes, all came down to a subtle disbelief. I then realized what it really took to be a hero and that a lot is at stake in this pool of spectators. Where deliverance fetches triumph and failure seeks disapproval.

AN HONEST CONFESSION

It was the winter of '99 when I first met you. I barely remember how we became friends and even fainter is the idea about it going to the next level. I started loving your company. Going back home after school, reflecting on how I did to earn you a smile and envisaging what tomorrow would bring for me.  When going school was tempting and staying at home was tedious.Like a restless creature I could not help but wait for the next morning to arrive.I remember how the school came to know about our togetherness and how teachers used to warn students about the worldly distractions.Together we watched the cliche 'Always Remember' turn into our class's anthem.
                               13 years down the line, I am sitting all alone in my room, contemplating on how different things could have been had that innocent heart been just a little more courageous. Two years of togetherness and I couldn't even buy the courage to speak my heart out.Thanks to my well wishers though, who have taken the trouble of locating you. They could succeed not far but at least to discover that you stay somewhere close to South Delhi. I extend my heartfelt thanks to you too for saving me from the mundane weekends. I've made several failing attempts since then,scanned faces like never before, impatiently awaited every single moment. I don't know what keeps me running, where this ray of hope comes from. All I know is that one day when all my dues are paid, my urge would be advocated in his court and that would bring an end to a decade long trial.

POCKET FULL OF SORROWS !!!

One Sunday morning I asked myself, ‘Why wasn’t God so particular in his choice when he created all of us’. Just like we have our father, mother, brothers and sisters in our family, why weren’t we blessed with a soul mate right from the very beginning? Well this thought struck me not before I had ample time, to spend my weekend at my 3BHK flat all alone. For the last five of them spent here I have explored that loneliness is no better than a chronic illness that kills you slowly but certainly. Perhaps it is the worst punishment that God could have ever imagined of. A man, in this world of billions of living creatures, cornered in his own world. No laughs, no fights, no one to talk to, that one readily accepts grief to defy loneliness.

I can feel the shift. I hardly enjoy playing games now, could barely spare out time to watch movies, no more fancy playing Rock songs. I remember how I used to crave for a game of Mario or for a ride on Lamborghini in the NFS Most Wanted. My weekdays are very eventful though.       I enjoy being in the office more, surrounded by people whom I’ve merely known for more than a month.  I complete my task; get back home, decently satisfied with my day’s work. It’s then when things starts churning up .You are forced to look at the other side of the coin. The side full of sorrows, disappointments, regrets and above all loneliness. It’s now when the importance of having a girl by your side comes into the picture. You come back home with no one to pamper you, no one to offer a cup of tea. You have a 48 hrs weekend ahead but no one to spend it with. You earn a handsome purse of money without any clue of spending it. You break down. Heart filled with grief and mind full of anxiety. You can weep no more, because you have exhausted every single drop in your eyes. It’s then when you realize that money for sure has its limits, and not everything, at least not happiness can be purchased.

From Heaven to Hell

Its 10 past 8 , and the train is still 1/2 an hour from its scheduled departure . My father has just dropped me here and he is on his way back. I quitely take a seat on P.F -3 . I take my cell out , but damn, seems my battery has different ideas. It almost yells that it is low and ain't in a mood of keeping me interested. But its the beauty of this place that keeps me going and is bringing the writer out of me . Beautiful scenic location , soft music plugged into my ears and a weekend full of leisure time adds more to the beauty of everything my eyes fall on. I am sitting in this long and surprisingly clean railway platform of Parasnath amid 10-12 passengers who seem to have even more time than me. By the time I continue typing forward I unplug my earpiece to pay an attention to the announcement which says that the train is 20 mins late from its scheduled departure, not much to add to my surprise. I am deeply involved in writing this when I realise that one of the bags that I was carrying is missing.........

1/2 an hour has passed since then and I bet there's not a single corner of this railway station that I haven't searched for. In complete despair and agony I give up . There's not much one can do when placed in situations as typical as such, especially when there is no to lend you a helping hand , I consoled myself. At first , I think of giving a call to my father but decide against it. I realise that suddenly everything that was keeping me interested has transformed into a curse. I say to myself , my train is late , my mobile's battery is low and above all my bag is lost. I realise that everything which kept me interested has lost its charm. I am cursig every single bit that comes on my way. The passengers near by bother me more than ever before, the announcement seem to pierce right through my ears.With an oath of never returning back to this place, I anxiously wait for my train to arrive.

A daunting task

I make sure that I stay right away from his sight . Half of them have already quit and that lets me throw my pen away and make fullest use of this moment. I look at him , nod to assure that I am alert and attentive.One thing that I've learnt from my experience is , while pursuing such a dare you got to make sure that you take him under confidence . Slightest of an error and I bet you will be doing no good to yourself. He stares at me and i make sure that i greet him with a responsive nod and a fake smile on my face. One thing that I find difficult to flush out of my head is the encounter which two of my friends had. They managed to survive almost the entire class ,but just when we approached the end they were caught with their cellphones at the back and kicked out of the class.

My eye falls on the watch which signals that even with some sincere efforts to survive I am only half way down the line. Pin drop silence turns the place into a graveyard, with only one soul full of life and eager to kick forward.

The class is over , and there is a rush of adrenaline , but to add to your surprise the reason is not what you all might be guessing. They say that every cloud has a silver lining but in my case it was the other way round . The cloud got darker and darker and huh don't even talk about the silver lining. I was hanging on some how but never realised when I fell asleep. My eyes shut and my mouth open......This time you all got it right , the drama ahead is no different from the story that I much happily quoted before. I was caught , humiliated and thrown out of the class. What adds more to the anxiety is a couple of hours wasted only to earn some insult and a bold A in the attendance sheet. I begged for an attendance when he came out . It was for the first time when i realised that these people are actually smarter than you actually think they are. Be prepared for a special examination he uttered. Taking on a professor is one thing which tops the list of Do's and don'ts in a college unless you really are an adventurous geek . Instead of showing mercy , I was told to present a written application duly signed by our H.O.D. What happened next is what i could have never expected. A bit of flattering and a precisely crafted innocent face is all what it took to negotiate , what looked like a daunting task.